In LA, it's the law that you must be engaged in writing a screenplay with your hairdresser, pool boy, personal trainer, life coach, dog walker, or yoga instructor.

How to Tell If Shoes Fit: Walking around the shoe store is not going to tell you any more than test-driving a car around a showroom. And those little mirrors? That's so you can tell how your cat is going to like your shoes. The real way to tell how shoes fit is how badly you want them.

The most important thing, of course, is that you should look more stunning than you have ever looked in your life. How many excuses do you have to wear a dress bigger than anyone else's, at a party just for you, where everyone has to burst into tears from how gorgeous you look while you prance around in front of them? Remember, your lifelong happiness depends on this one article of clothing. If it doesn't look good, you're not a bride. You're just some idiot in a big white thing - a color unflattering to about 93 percent of the population.

Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.

Remember when you were eleven years old and you thought how great it would be to get your period? And then you got it? That's what planning a wedding is like.

By about a week before the big day, you will have received less than half of your invitation response cards. Panic sets in when it occurs to you that everyone invited will actually show up. You couldn't have made it easier for your guests. You have included a card that had boxes for 'will attend' or 'will not attend.' You included a pre-addressed, stamped envelope. How inconvenient could it be for them simply to check it off and drop it in in a mailbox? Very inconvenient. You, evil bride-to-be, are confronting two basic human fears. A terror of correspondence and the dread of decision-making.

I wasn’t invited to be on staff at the Simpsons because they didn’t want any women on staff at the time.