Even if you're fat, one thing always fits: shoes.

Walking in high heels should be made an Olympic sport.

Planning your own coming-of-age experience may wither you prematurely, but just think of it this way: If you can get through this, childbirth should be a breeze.

Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you.

I wasn’t invited to be on staff at the Simpsons because they didn’t want any women on staff at the time.

The most important thing, of course, is that you should look more stunning than you have ever looked in your life. How many excuses do you have to wear a dress bigger than anyone else's, at a party just for you, where everyone has to burst into tears from how gorgeous you look while you prance around in front of them? Remember, your lifelong happiness depends on this one article of clothing. If it doesn't look good, you're not a bride. You're just some idiot in a big white thing - a color unflattering to about 93 percent of the population.

What becomes of the broken-hearted? They buy shoes.