Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

I guess the one-liner kind of comic sounds like a guy who can talk and talk and whatever the subject is, he can pull out a one-liner, but I couldn't do that. I didn't like the association. I mean, I love Steven Wright, but so many people started saying "Steven Wright" to me, and I would get mad, because I never wanted to be thought of as copying anybody.

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying.