I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.