I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, "Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.