When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.

Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.