I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

Then let's print up some flyers!

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.