I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.

The customer’s always right.

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.