I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.
Mitch HedbergYou should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
Mitch HedbergYou know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", but then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".
Mitch Hedberg