I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t.

As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I'm at the top of a slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. "How the hell did I get up here? I guess I have to slide down. Whee!" That's what you say when you're having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"