I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened.

Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting.

I like baked potatoes. I don't have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done, who knows?

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.