I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

I guess the one-liner kind of comic sounds like a guy who can talk and talk and whatever the subject is, he can pull out a one-liner, but I couldn't do that. I didn't like the association. I mean, I love Steven Wright, but so many people started saying "Steven Wright" to me, and I would get mad, because I never wanted to be thought of as copying anybody.

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail!

Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.