I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. "Come on, man, there has to be more to that story."

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.

People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.

You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."