If you don't know a light bulb is a three-way light bulb, it messes with your head. You reach to turn it off, and it just gets brighter! That's the exact opposite of what I wanted you to do! So you turn the switch again, and it gets brighter once more! I will break you, light bulb!

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!

I met the girl who works at the Doubletree front desk, she gave me her number. It's ZERO. I tried to call from here, some other woman answered. "You sound older!"