When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

Well, that's a 'fresher'. I'm going on break.

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

I wrote a letter to my Dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, Dad - there's a lot of stuff you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away.

The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this." "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.