When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.