I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.

I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, 'Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.