Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!"

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

I want to ride in a cold air balloon. "This isn't going anywhere!"

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I went to a pizzeria. The guy gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart with what would you do if you found a million dollars, he gave me the "Donate it to charity" slice. "I'd like to exchange this for the 'Keep it!'"