Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.

I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They've got that rollercoaster encircling the entire premises, just like Manhattan.