I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. "Come on, man, there has to be more to that story."

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.