I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.