I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this." Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. "Think like a cactus!"

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Pepperidge Farm bread. That's fancy bread. You can tell it's fancy because it's wrapped twice. You open it, and it still isn't open. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast.

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky.