I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Mitch HedbergIf I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.
Mitch HedbergWhen I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.
Mitch HedbergHas anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"
Mitch Hedberg