I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

When I get a cold sore, I put Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them more shiny and noticeable. It's like cold-sore-highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores.

Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don't know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. "You might have seen this next comedian at the store," and people would say "Hell yes I have!"