I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.

I`ve not really been angling to be a comedian. I knew comics and I loved them and I loved being funny, but I didn't understand the whole concept of becoming one. My first couple of times on stage, I was like, "This is what I'm doing for sure." I was so excited.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.