I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

We're gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes for the CD. You know what sweeten means, right? Sweeten is a show-biz term for "add sugar to".

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me.

I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.