I walked by a dry cleaner at 3 am, and there was a sign: "Sorry, we're closed" You don't have to be sorry, it's 3 am, and you're a dry cleaner! It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open! I'm not gonna walk in at 10 am and say "I walked by here at 3 and you were closed - somebody owes me an apology!"

I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.

If you're watching a parade, don't follow it. It never changes. If the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast-forward the parade.

I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.

It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"