I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
Mitch HedbergI got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
Mitch HedbergWhen we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"
Mitch Hedberg