I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.