I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.