If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions for what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers! I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates!

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.