If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

The customer’s always right.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.

Once I saw a duck walking down the street so I went into Subway and ordered two pieces of bread, and they informed me that they could not do that, like there was some speical rule at Subway that two pieces of bread weren't allowed to touch. So the woman asked me what I wanted on the sandwich and I said I do not care, it is for a duck, and she was like oh then it's free. I was not aware that ducks eat for free at Subway. It's like give me a chicken fajita sub, but don't worry about ringing it up, it is for a duck.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."