If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!

I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. "Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!"

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.

There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this." Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. "Think like a cactus!"