If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"

Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!