Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way: Prices and participation may vary. I wanna open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I wanna be a stubborn McDonald's owner. "Cheeseburgers?" "Nope! We got spaghetti, and blankets."

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.