I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?"

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. "Tom's gone!" "Is he a magician?" "No." "Then let's print up some flyers!"

XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.