I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?"

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

You got to always take advantage of getting your room cleaned. You may think it's nice not to have anybody in your room, like your privacy's not being invaded. But there's nothing like walking back into a clean room. You've got to remember that.

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.