I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.
Mitch HedbergIf Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."
Mitch HedbergWhen you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
Mitch Hedberg