I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later, so... yeah.'

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this." Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. "Think like a cactus!"

XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.