If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!

I was on a bus once, it was in the middle of the night, and I had a box of crackers and a can of Easy Cheese. It was dark, and it was a surprise how much cheese I had applied on each cracker. That's why they should have a glow-in-the-dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room-temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can, you probably won't get mad because it glows in the dark too.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.