If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"

I like Kinko's, because they're open 24 hours. If it's 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I'm covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, "Oh, yeah. Kinko's. No problem. That will not remain singular."

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.

I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!

2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.