If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.

I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.