I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, "Fuck that - I'll just make a copy!"

As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.

The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."