I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.