I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

The customer’s always right.

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.

I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.