I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.

You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.

If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, "Hey - maybe a killer is after you!"

I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you're gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I've got packs of pop with me. "Looking to buy some pop? 50 cents a can. It's not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!"