The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying.

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. "Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop"!