I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That's false advertising, because that happens the least. That's like if you're advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. "This is what happened once."

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t.

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.