I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end.

I walked by a dry cleaner at 3 am, and there was a sign: "Sorry, we're closed" You don't have to be sorry, it's 3 am, and you're a dry cleaner! It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open! I'm not gonna walk in at 10 am and say "I walked by here at 3 and you were closed - somebody owes me an apology!"

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.

People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.

Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.