I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.
Mitch HedbergI saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.
Mitch HedbergA fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.
Mitch HedbergI had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"
Mitch Hedberg