Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

I don't want to have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. "Snap, Krackle, Mitch and Pop"!

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.