I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.