If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Some one needs to tell the turkey, 'man, just be yourself.'

I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."