If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"

It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.

When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.