I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. They didn't have to make separations for me.

I ate one anchovy, and that is why I did not eat two anchovies.

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.