I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes.

I'm always on the road, and I drive rental cars. Sometimes I don't know what's going on with the car, and I'll drive for ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it doesn't say a lot for the emergency brake. What kind of emergency is this? I need to not stop now. It's not really an emergency brake, it's an emergency make-the-car-smell-funny lever.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

I cannot tell you what hotel I'm staying at, but there are two trees involved.

P.S. - This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.