I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?

Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree.

This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.

I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it’s exact purpose!

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.