When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.

Yeah, I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?" "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, it's gonna take a while. I don't have time. Scrambled!

People on the 14th floor, you know what floor you’re really on.