I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this." "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."

I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.