I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I bought a house, it's a two bedroom house, but I think it's up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy's house.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.