I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.
Mitch HedbergSometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it. One day I'm gonna, though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.
Mitch HedbergThey say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
Mitch HedbergI went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."
Mitch Hedberg