Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.

That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.