Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I don't think stand-up is being appreciated as much as it could be and I don't think it has for a long time. There's some great stand-up comics who come to a town and if they're not a name, they don't attract a crowd but in reality there are brilliant people out there.

I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around.