Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.

I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"