My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know, I'm like "Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf."

I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying.