When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.