When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."

Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"

A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, 'Do you have coke in a glass harmonica ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews'

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.