Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff's under control. I got so much tartar, I don't have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That's actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I'm just joking.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."