Kittens play with yarn, they bat it around. What they're really doing is saying, "I can't knit, get this away from me!"

I want to be a rebellious McDonald's owner. Cheeseburgers... NOPE... we got spaghetti!

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.

I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.