So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.

Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.