I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right'.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", but then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".