I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right'.

What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know, I'm like "Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf."

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.