I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is always right'.

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?