Look at the limes in this drink, how they float. That's good news. Next time I'm on a boat, and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'm saved by the buoyancy of citrus.

If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.

I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

I like it when you buy something and pay with a credit card, they put your credit card on the receipt, but only the last four numbers. Aha! I'm really good at guessing twelve numbers. I can't guess 16 numbers, so thanks for the assistance!

I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away - "Knock knock - Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?"

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.