Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!"

Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying - they think I'm just reacting.

I like to smoke a pipe, because it's the punch line indicator. Whenever I take a hit of the pipe, you should be laughing.

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.