I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"

I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.

A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.

I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.

When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened.