My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn". Every now and then I screw up, I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name, and she can tell because I don't say "n" as long.

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, "Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?"

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.

Mitch”, but then reattach it and call it “Mitch-all-together.

I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! "Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner."

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.